My feet were soaked with rain water splashing about, as I walked along the slippery street. The evening rain proved my wearing black flip flops today was a good idea. Of course, it was gross to think my feet were getting wet with whatever used to be on the pavement, now mixed in the puddles, making contact with my skin. Having wet socks was equally gross.
Like the motorists who gave up on the slow-going traffic (I never understood why it’s called rush hour when the highways get so congested and cars become snails), it no longer mattered how wet I was getting. The changing wind rendered the umbrella a worthless shield.
I craved deep fried chicken and walked a good distance to get it, because a “healthy" dinner was not very comforting. It wasn’t the best of days and I figured the crunch might lighten my mood, even if it would go straight down my thighs (for the time being). I was disappointed at how easy it was for me to feel so disappointed and excited at the same time. Making things more complicated than they are to have a semblance of productivity, blaming a lack of work and plenty of time until reality turns its head and gives plenty of work but I would “suddenly" lack time. The denial, the laziness at work, spending bulk of my time blogging—these should be put inside a punching bag for me to beat up then throw in the dumpster. Something has to die here.
I’m diligent with the wrong things (which are not inherently diabolical yet distracting all the same) and lazy in work I should be doing. Too busy “growing the blog” when I haven’t had prayer and Word time this morning (and a few other mornings in the past), and the work I do get paid for gets neglected.
I blame it on lack of present passion or a “readiness to move on,” but these are just excuses. What is success? What is fulfillment? These are the fruits of faithfulness. It is for the one who is diligent with the right things and not diligent with things that I’m not yet supposed to be FULLY invested in.
It is for the one who knows how to wait and how to die to herself; to delay gratitude, do what is right, and desire that which has eternal worth.
Perhaps it still takes courage to pursue what I feel I'm no longer called to do. It’s a step of faith. And yet, the very circumstance I'm in is what I was called to do. There is no escaping it. There is no shortcut. I know that I won't be doing my current job for the rest of my life, but just because I'm getting married in a few months and Lord willing, attending grad school in June, it doesn't give me license to slack off.
All I have is today. I have this year. It's wrong for me to be a few steps ahead, allowing my mind and spirit go off course.
I’m grateful that there's such a thing as redemption but there’s no denying the fact that I could have done better. I could have closed that webpage, left the entry as a draft to publish later. I could have finished today’s goals and then some. I could have had more self-control so I don't wallow in guilt and lack of peace.
But the days are short so I’ll have no regrets but I will grieve, still. I lament over the failures of today and will learn from them. My God will not stop teaching me until it takes root and produces fruit.
I’m sorry, sky, for making you cry tonight with my lack of prudence.